Given today's weather in Nashville, I find myself reflecting on "colder" times. Not so much temperature, but more weather conditions. My mom informed me today they are expecting a big snow storm, and in a way, i'm jealous. Sure, my phone says it's 73 degrees out- but it's been over a year since i've seen a winter with a heavy blanket of snow. It's something you learn to appreciate growing up in snowy weather climates. It's funny, people I meet who live here that came from northern climates swear they don't miss the snow. I beg to differ in my case.
For those of you who haven't experienced snow over the duration of time as I have, may not understand. But snow is beautiful. Snow can blanket everything, turning where you live into that fairytale winter wonderland. I've had the luxury of experiencing those storybook movie winters, where the whole world is covered in snow; the roads are empty, and there is a serene calm brought on by snow. I can remember sitting out on my porch a few years ago, late into the night ( or early into the morning, however you look at it) and you can actually hear the snow fall. I mean it. Snow eliminates echoes, it's dense properties act like natural insulation. Snow in heavy amounts is actually warmer than cold atmosphere with no snow. I remember hearing everything; sitting in silence, all by myself, bundled up and drinking hot chocolate. Seems like I lived the stereotypical New England lifestyle, but to me it's all I know.
I miss those days; not thinking twice to drive to the store in a foot or more of snow. And yes, of course the stores were open. I've been to school with 6-10 inches of snow on the ground. Come on now. It was natural, something you came to love to hate. The human condition is programmed to complain about the heat in the summer once we've had enough, and wish for winter. We complain for sun and warmer weather once we've experienced enough cold weather. Me, I love the seasonal changes. I feel like the air is different down here its not worse, just different. To me, nothing feels better than crisp, cold, winter air in a snow storm. Waking up to real snowfall is something you can't describe. Real meaning 6" or more. Total coverage. I moved south at 27 years old, but my last winter in New Hampshire I can still remember waking up, and being excited like it was Christmas morning. Something inside me takes over, and I want to go shovel the driveway, make snow angels, and have a snowball fight. It gets old, sure, but snow is a great catalyst to try something new.
Get stuck in with that special someone; fire place, snow fall, movies and good company. Drives to the store even seem romantic and more dramatic. Snowfall can make the most plain, simplest of hometowns look like movie sets. I miss taking advantage of those times. Wake up and make a big breakfast with the fam, opening all the curtains and let the bright white snow lighten up the house. Food feels better, coffee or hot cocoa tastes better, and everything feels warmer inside. Maybe it's a mindset I have been able to find and hold on to; but I miss it. Even though I have come to enjoy living here in Tennessee, I miss Connecticut and New England often. It was home for 27 years; it's not easy to let go. So, in remembrance of my past, i'll sit on the porch for a while, and remember those times. For if I can only live in them in my mind, it's better than never having experienced them at all.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Friday, February 17, 2012
Decisions
When faced with issues that change our lives, we need to evaluate the impact they have on us. Sometimes I find the negative things in my life masked as positive things; and those are the hardest to let go of. People and things come and go, and it's what they leave behind that stays with us forever. It may be a new big screen tv you just bought. Maybe you couldn't afford it, so you financed it. Good for you. But is that monthly payment and the interest you will have paid be worth having the TV? Maybe that's a way I look at things sometimes; everything has some sort of interest payment. Relationships, belongings- they all have some sort of interest cost associated with having them.
Some interest is fallout. A sour ending to a friendship or relationship is interest paid. See, interest is the cost you don't see when you buy something. And that purchase or acquisition may just cost you more than it's worth in the end. Many times, it's not written in the fine print. When you meet someone, you see them as shiny and new. You don't see the the full disclosure, and you often don't find out about it until you've found yourself too deep to back out. Just like purchasing from a store, that shiny new TV ended up costing almost double. But where do you draw the line on taking the risk? Can you calculate all risks? I find it difficult believe you can calculate all risks, without letting certain things pass you by.
This, is where I find myself stuck. I'm a risk taker; I go all in too fast. I feel it's better to have risked and lost, than never tried. I've bought things I couldn't afford, engaged in relationships that were toxic, and don't regret one bit of it today. Sure, hindsight is 20/20, but if you live regretting the past, you'll never enjoy what the future holds. Risking it, going all in is my specialty. I take a beating on the initial investment, but i've found myself coming out on top in the long run. I'm not a get-in-get-out kind of guy. I stick out the rough start, and set the pace for a smooth finish. At least that's what I hope for going in. It doesn't always work out that way.
I have never been a good judge as to when to cut my losses either. This is probably why i'm financially broke, and emotionally tapped. I have built a pattern and habit of riding things out too long, thinking I can fix them. I don't often make decisions with my brain; I follow my heart. The problem with that is your heart sees the good in every situation, giving you false hope and a false sense of positive reinforcement. The excitement of the new shiny item wears off, but someone like myself finds ways to keep the luster going; or exhausts every resource doing so. And I do exhaust myself. Physically, emotionally, and financially.
Lessons are never learned, mistakes are perpetually repeated, and changes are never made. The definition if insanity is doing something over and over again expecting a different result; but often times I choose to not break my diligence, and hope, that my innate optimism will prove correct in the end. Hopeless? Maybe. But somehow, I found hope in a hopeless place.
Some interest is fallout. A sour ending to a friendship or relationship is interest paid. See, interest is the cost you don't see when you buy something. And that purchase or acquisition may just cost you more than it's worth in the end. Many times, it's not written in the fine print. When you meet someone, you see them as shiny and new. You don't see the the full disclosure, and you often don't find out about it until you've found yourself too deep to back out. Just like purchasing from a store, that shiny new TV ended up costing almost double. But where do you draw the line on taking the risk? Can you calculate all risks? I find it difficult believe you can calculate all risks, without letting certain things pass you by.
This, is where I find myself stuck. I'm a risk taker; I go all in too fast. I feel it's better to have risked and lost, than never tried. I've bought things I couldn't afford, engaged in relationships that were toxic, and don't regret one bit of it today. Sure, hindsight is 20/20, but if you live regretting the past, you'll never enjoy what the future holds. Risking it, going all in is my specialty. I take a beating on the initial investment, but i've found myself coming out on top in the long run. I'm not a get-in-get-out kind of guy. I stick out the rough start, and set the pace for a smooth finish. At least that's what I hope for going in. It doesn't always work out that way.
I have never been a good judge as to when to cut my losses either. This is probably why i'm financially broke, and emotionally tapped. I have built a pattern and habit of riding things out too long, thinking I can fix them. I don't often make decisions with my brain; I follow my heart. The problem with that is your heart sees the good in every situation, giving you false hope and a false sense of positive reinforcement. The excitement of the new shiny item wears off, but someone like myself finds ways to keep the luster going; or exhausts every resource doing so. And I do exhaust myself. Physically, emotionally, and financially.
Lessons are never learned, mistakes are perpetually repeated, and changes are never made. The definition if insanity is doing something over and over again expecting a different result; but often times I choose to not break my diligence, and hope, that my innate optimism will prove correct in the end. Hopeless? Maybe. But somehow, I found hope in a hopeless place.
Friday, February 10, 2012
This is tough to put out there, but recently I have been experiencing anxiety. Heavy anxiety. I have never really experienced this feeling in this magnitude, and this frequent; worse thing is i'm not sure where it comes from. It's weird what triggers it, and i'm not really sure what does. I'm a research guy; I tried to find out what causes this. I googled anxiety, and read up on it. After reading it, I refuse to believe I have a chemical imbalance, and have to come to a realization it's probably mental. This proves to be more difficult for me to swallow, as I don't see myself as weak-minded. Hell, thinking about my inability to control it right now is creating that feeling of anxiety. Maybe, that's where I need to let go in itself; let go of the negative feelings.
Due to my current situation, I don't have insurance, and realistically I can't afford some therapy sessions. Writing seems to calm my nerves, and take me to another place, where my heart isn't beating incredibly fast, and it slows my breathing. I can feel the symptoms coming on, and I can also detect them fading. Besides; I really don't want someone asking me the text book questions and paying them for it when I can just bite the bullet and work it out myself. but what was interesting was while reading up about anxiety, I found some key signs that point directly at what i'm experiencing. Chest pain- it comes on fast, and is more annoying than painful. The chest pain is also coupled with some back pain between the shoulder blades; which is known to have a direct correlation with stress. Short breaths, and pounding heart. I get that. Loss of focus? Sign me up. And lack of drive to do much. There were many more that I didn't experience, but these definitely happen, and almost all at once.
My conclusion: Stress anxiety. It probably doesn't exist, but I feel like the perfect combo of stress and anxiety go hand in hand, and I feel like the feelings feed off each other. The anxiety feelings stress me out, and i'm anxious over solving my stressed issues. How to combat them, i'm still figuring out. As the feelings take hold, they grow exponentially; compounding on one another until I feel like I want to do nothing but go to sleep. Funny thing is, stress and anxiety have adverse effects on your sleep habits, so you can't sleep off the feelings. here is the weirdest part of all this: some days, I wake up, and go through my day fine. Not a single bout. Life is great, things are fine, nothing gets at me. Others, it's really rough. What changes, I have not the slightest clue. Seems like right now even the smallest hurdle or negative thought can send me there; and i'm not sure why. It's usually 50/50, good/bad days. Bad days aren't THAT bad, but it's impairing my quality of life.
The rest of February and into March is going to be an experimental period for me. I'm going to but my best foot forward to beating this thing, approaching it head on, and doing what I know I can do: Fight back mentally. What ever feelings or thoughts are causing this, it's manufactured by me, so therefore it's only as strong as I make it. Fight back, and I can push myself past this issue, and move on. I've gone 29 years really without this kind of issue; why now, I have no clue. I feel for the people who have experienced this in some form or another; and I sympathize with those who's lives are affected every day by anxiety or stress. I know it's all in how you manage it, and I need to spend some time setting a plan in motion to handle this. Besides; I have MUCH more cooler things to do than to sit and stress about silly stuff.
Due to my current situation, I don't have insurance, and realistically I can't afford some therapy sessions. Writing seems to calm my nerves, and take me to another place, where my heart isn't beating incredibly fast, and it slows my breathing. I can feel the symptoms coming on, and I can also detect them fading. Besides; I really don't want someone asking me the text book questions and paying them for it when I can just bite the bullet and work it out myself. but what was interesting was while reading up about anxiety, I found some key signs that point directly at what i'm experiencing. Chest pain- it comes on fast, and is more annoying than painful. The chest pain is also coupled with some back pain between the shoulder blades; which is known to have a direct correlation with stress. Short breaths, and pounding heart. I get that. Loss of focus? Sign me up. And lack of drive to do much. There were many more that I didn't experience, but these definitely happen, and almost all at once.
My conclusion: Stress anxiety. It probably doesn't exist, but I feel like the perfect combo of stress and anxiety go hand in hand, and I feel like the feelings feed off each other. The anxiety feelings stress me out, and i'm anxious over solving my stressed issues. How to combat them, i'm still figuring out. As the feelings take hold, they grow exponentially; compounding on one another until I feel like I want to do nothing but go to sleep. Funny thing is, stress and anxiety have adverse effects on your sleep habits, so you can't sleep off the feelings. here is the weirdest part of all this: some days, I wake up, and go through my day fine. Not a single bout. Life is great, things are fine, nothing gets at me. Others, it's really rough. What changes, I have not the slightest clue. Seems like right now even the smallest hurdle or negative thought can send me there; and i'm not sure why. It's usually 50/50, good/bad days. Bad days aren't THAT bad, but it's impairing my quality of life.
The rest of February and into March is going to be an experimental period for me. I'm going to but my best foot forward to beating this thing, approaching it head on, and doing what I know I can do: Fight back mentally. What ever feelings or thoughts are causing this, it's manufactured by me, so therefore it's only as strong as I make it. Fight back, and I can push myself past this issue, and move on. I've gone 29 years really without this kind of issue; why now, I have no clue. I feel for the people who have experienced this in some form or another; and I sympathize with those who's lives are affected every day by anxiety or stress. I know it's all in how you manage it, and I need to spend some time setting a plan in motion to handle this. Besides; I have MUCH more cooler things to do than to sit and stress about silly stuff.
Friday, February 3, 2012
Success
It's Friday, and I feel like talking about success. I have been struggling for years with what is the true measurement of success, and have come to the conclusion that happiness is success. From there, you need to define what makes you happy, and for most when asked what would make them happy, it usually involves something that they don't have, or don't really need. What makes this happen? Many have the notion that they need more possessions and money to be successful, including myself. But every once in a while, I find myself popping out of the socioeconomic norms that the media defines as success, and thinking about quality of life; and what I really NEED to achieve the quality of life i'd be happy with.
For me, it's always been about getting some serious cars, MTV cribs-worthy dwelling, friends, cash to do what I want, and just and endless party, 24/7. It's a shot in the dark, since it's usually the celebrity lifestyle we desire, and many, for a number of reasons, just won't ever reach that. But even stars, celebrities, and the rich and famous end up in scandals, drama, and fight bouts of unhappiness. Take away anyone's ability to be happy, and no amount of cash can pull them out of it. Sure, it softens the blow, but without it, they still are the same people. I find that reality TV and making people iconic for being themselves, and being paid astronomical amounts of money for being a brand is genius from a business sense; but detrimental to the mental and emotional growth of society.
So many people I know aspire to be someone else due to these new media outlets, and false idols. Now, i'm not going biblical, slow your roll on this read, but putting iconic emphasis on someone who doesn't deserve it is detrimental to people's mental well being. I'm only saying this because of our newly developed inability to see where TV ends, and we begin. Why, realistically is there no show about the man/woman who is raising their children, while working 2 jobs to avoid foreclosure, and fighting to save whats left of their marriage? Because that topic sucks. But aren't they the true role models? Sure, we all can ridicule them about how they got there, but we've all been in some sort of predicament like that. So really, what do we need as people' better yet, what do I feel I need to feel successful?
I find my wants and needs to be on total opposite sides of the spectrum. It's weird, I see my life in two different paths. One side, aspires to go down the fast life, and want to be Vince from Entourage. The other, I want the peace of mind and solitude of living in the country, in a home with some land, wonderful wife, dog(s) maybe some horses, and some kids riding ATVs in the field. Monday through Sunday, I battle what's right for me. I'm an outdoor kinda guy; but not as much as I used to be, and it's kinda depressing to think about it. Sometimes I find myself worrying about what I drive rather than if it could get me to my destination. I can't go visit my brother in Knoxville on a 3 hour drive, because my car might not make it- but sure thing you'll find me looking at used BMW 5 series' in the auto trader with 100k miles for $20k because it's "ballin." Why not take that 20k and finance a more affordable, newer, lesser mileage car? It's tough to not worry about status. Sometimes I do; sometimes I don't.
I guess i'm coming to realize it's not about what you don't have, but what you do; and the quality of the things you do have. I'd much rather be able to drive to New Hampshire to visit my parents in a reliable, fuel efficient car than to worry about hitting downtown nashville in a BMW. Same goes for people and relationships. Finding people to surround yourselves with that value YOU as a person will ultimately bring your happiness levels up, hence increasing your quality of life. I think now, I see myself a middle class American, with a typical family, living an ordinary life. Having $25k in the bank because I bought a Chevy Equinox for $20k and didn't have to pay through the roof for a Range Rover seems responsible; and would allow me to fly my family on vacation, rather than live beyond my means. Material things are just that; instant gratification fillers that end up running our lives. I'd like to run my life, and all the things in it, not run my life to support my possessions. A home is what you make of it, and relationships are like plants, they need sunlight and water, and so do we as people.
Ultimately, nourishing one's inner happiness is about doing what makes you truly happy to the core; and if certain things weren't meant to be, then so be it. For me, I miss hiking, camping, and the outdoors. It calls my name all the time. I miss doing what i love for a living. I'm worried about not having a family of my own, and i'm scared I'll never own a home, and rent forever. but I find myself unable to unplug from society enough to commit to achieving these goals. It's a hamster wheel of life; I just have to find a way to put a foot down, and get off. I guess, we all need to find our way, and start hiking our own path to the summit. I promise, once we all reach there, we'll party like rockstars, in our own way.
For me, it's always been about getting some serious cars, MTV cribs-worthy dwelling, friends, cash to do what I want, and just and endless party, 24/7. It's a shot in the dark, since it's usually the celebrity lifestyle we desire, and many, for a number of reasons, just won't ever reach that. But even stars, celebrities, and the rich and famous end up in scandals, drama, and fight bouts of unhappiness. Take away anyone's ability to be happy, and no amount of cash can pull them out of it. Sure, it softens the blow, but without it, they still are the same people. I find that reality TV and making people iconic for being themselves, and being paid astronomical amounts of money for being a brand is genius from a business sense; but detrimental to the mental and emotional growth of society.
So many people I know aspire to be someone else due to these new media outlets, and false idols. Now, i'm not going biblical, slow your roll on this read, but putting iconic emphasis on someone who doesn't deserve it is detrimental to people's mental well being. I'm only saying this because of our newly developed inability to see where TV ends, and we begin. Why, realistically is there no show about the man/woman who is raising their children, while working 2 jobs to avoid foreclosure, and fighting to save whats left of their marriage? Because that topic sucks. But aren't they the true role models? Sure, we all can ridicule them about how they got there, but we've all been in some sort of predicament like that. So really, what do we need as people' better yet, what do I feel I need to feel successful?
I find my wants and needs to be on total opposite sides of the spectrum. It's weird, I see my life in two different paths. One side, aspires to go down the fast life, and want to be Vince from Entourage. The other, I want the peace of mind and solitude of living in the country, in a home with some land, wonderful wife, dog(s) maybe some horses, and some kids riding ATVs in the field. Monday through Sunday, I battle what's right for me. I'm an outdoor kinda guy; but not as much as I used to be, and it's kinda depressing to think about it. Sometimes I find myself worrying about what I drive rather than if it could get me to my destination. I can't go visit my brother in Knoxville on a 3 hour drive, because my car might not make it- but sure thing you'll find me looking at used BMW 5 series' in the auto trader with 100k miles for $20k because it's "ballin." Why not take that 20k and finance a more affordable, newer, lesser mileage car? It's tough to not worry about status. Sometimes I do; sometimes I don't.
I guess i'm coming to realize it's not about what you don't have, but what you do; and the quality of the things you do have. I'd much rather be able to drive to New Hampshire to visit my parents in a reliable, fuel efficient car than to worry about hitting downtown nashville in a BMW. Same goes for people and relationships. Finding people to surround yourselves with that value YOU as a person will ultimately bring your happiness levels up, hence increasing your quality of life. I think now, I see myself a middle class American, with a typical family, living an ordinary life. Having $25k in the bank because I bought a Chevy Equinox for $20k and didn't have to pay through the roof for a Range Rover seems responsible; and would allow me to fly my family on vacation, rather than live beyond my means. Material things are just that; instant gratification fillers that end up running our lives. I'd like to run my life, and all the things in it, not run my life to support my possessions. A home is what you make of it, and relationships are like plants, they need sunlight and water, and so do we as people.
Ultimately, nourishing one's inner happiness is about doing what makes you truly happy to the core; and if certain things weren't meant to be, then so be it. For me, I miss hiking, camping, and the outdoors. It calls my name all the time. I miss doing what i love for a living. I'm worried about not having a family of my own, and i'm scared I'll never own a home, and rent forever. but I find myself unable to unplug from society enough to commit to achieving these goals. It's a hamster wheel of life; I just have to find a way to put a foot down, and get off. I guess, we all need to find our way, and start hiking our own path to the summit. I promise, once we all reach there, we'll party like rockstars, in our own way.
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