Things have been slightly "hilly" for me as of late (ups and downs, guys, come on!). I'm sure, the people that read this are the only friends I have, but it's cheaper than therapy to write this down to people, who for some, really don't give a shit about what I have to say. But, that's cool. I'll take what I can get. THAT right there seems to be the bane of my existence right now- "taking what I can get." I use that phrase whole-heartedly too much maybe. "I can't help you tomorrow, but I tried"- no prob bud, i'll take it. Meaning i'll take the thought and accept it that you really do care. Probably not bro. But have I made it a standard to be the guy that is ALWAYS there? The person who can always be counted on? I sure have. And recently, it's proven itself to be true.
When you set a standard of interaction with friends, your bound to that role. I've been the guy who is always ready to go out; ready to party down, throw down for drinks, food, etc. Nothing of mine is off limits. My house, car, money, time- freely given to those who I felt need more than me. I'm a serial philanthropist- just without the Bill and Melinda Gates fund money. I scrape the bowl, and hold back my personal success for the forward motion of others. It's just the way I roll, I guess. But recently, I met someone who I wanted to be selfish about, and it's stirring the pot a bit. Sure, i'm not out with the guys as much, and i'm not hitting the downtown bar scene nearly as hard; if at all. But I guess a woman can do that to a guy. Besides- we used to cruise for women, and driving 50 mins to chill at a bar is far fetched, when there are plenty closer. If you want to be my friend- try it Saturday through Thursday- not just friday night, in downtown nashville. Harsh words, but it's the truth.
But honestly, she's not my issue. Some people are busting on me, clowning me behind my back because i'm transferring my giving nature, time, and effort from others to her. but what's more of a let down, is a general frustration vibe (traitorous, really) from others about my choice. Why can't people be happy for your happiness, even if for right now? It's something we all wanted, talked about, looked for. I happened to find it recently. But it's funny, I find being a giving person is a curse for me. I'm the giving person that has secret expectations; they are subconscious really, not secret. It's not sneaky, or misleading, but deep down, when I do something for someone, I hope for something in return; mainly acknowledgement, or emotional reactions. But often times, it's never there. And I'll smile, and genuinely enjoy that persons happiness, with all I have. But sometimes, you just want to be on the other end. Hence, the "i'll take it" attitude. It's said with genuine meaning, but it's a mind set to be in. Good at times, bad at others. I guess it's situational.
Am I a joker? I just read an article about giving gifts to women. The article, to sum it up, states that gifts make women predators- and shows weakness in the male giving. They also said that it's the reason women withhold sex, and physical intimacy; because that's the goal of the gifts and spending for a man in the end. Women control the physical aspect of the relationship, they control the wallets of the men they date; and the men themselves. Is this true? Hell if I know. but I will tell you this- take it from me, if it was all about sex with me, i'd be on to the next one by now. Trust. Is it a goal? Ummm...yeah, we are human. She's extremely attractive; no, she's the most beautiful girl I have ever met. But just as beautiful on the outside, she is inside. I buy her gifts because it makes me happy. And if I wasn't spending it on her, i'd be blowing it on a new TV, Xbox, and some silly payment every month on a car I don't need, to impress girls who only would want me because I drove a ballin' whip. Those girls are hoes. Yep, I said it. Hoes. Doubts about my current situation? Who wouldn't. But I try and stay up that she's with me because i'm downright awesome, and when the time is right, we'll see where things go.
Am I a dreamer? If you build a woman a home, paint it white, with blue shutters like Noah from the Notebook will she REALLY fall in love with you? Doubtful that's the only reason. But come on, we all saw that movie. It wasn't the house; it was the thought. He kept his promise. He also treated her with respect, and did things for her out of the kindness of his heart. He showed love with no boundaries, and pushed the limits of how far he was willing to go to win the woman he loved. Life, is not like this all the time, but the concept is the same. Life, to me is like risk- the greater the risk, the greater the reward. Movie characters glamorize the reality, but is it really that far off? I'm not convinced it isn't. I buy my girl gifts after gifts, give her money if she needs it, (or if I want to) and help her where ever she needs it. Being a giving man is like being a safety net for her- and since i'm able to stand on my own two feet, I don't need one. Does she? Nope. But that makes her an even better catch. Ne-Yo said it best, " Something oh so sexy about, kinda woman that don't even need my help."
When people don't NEED your help, they are more susceptible to get it. Especially from me. I don't need her. I don't need help from her. I care for her. I want her. and I know right now some of my friends can't understand it, and it's cool. But know, for the first time, really, i'm being more selfish than I have been in the longest time. And I have a beautiful, sexy, intelligent blonde woman to thank. Peace on this edition of WTF is in my brain, haha. RichieRich out.
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