This has been an interesting week, and it's only Wednesday.  Funny thing is, I usually sometimes only blog once a month, but this week, I'm pushing the envelope! I guess it's been so long since I actually wrote, that my mind is full of words.  That's OK though; it's a good thing.  I want to touch on quality of life, and what that means. It's a simple phrase, but it means so much to everyone- and to every individual, how they measure their quality of life is different. Each person has their own standards, and their own path to get there. Some things seem perpetually out of their grasp, some seem easily attainable.

What creates your ideal life I think, is what you want out of it. Material possessions, friends, family, money, location, etc. it's all part of your ideal life. My ideal life had changed drastically this past year; more than i'd care to admit some times. Maybe it's a shift in priorities, maybe it's a new found thought process.  All I know is, I don't want to be where I hoped I'd be 3 years ago.  That Richie is gone.  Matter of fact, the Richard of 2011 is gone.  The 2012 Richie is here to stay, hopefully!  I guess I'm struggling with my situation right now- I feel like I've been on the runway awaiting take off, but now my flight had been delayed, due to bad weather.  But I've weathered worse storms than this, for sure; and I'm actually looking forward to this one.  I think the exit from this small challenge is going to really define my future, and set me up for the EXACT path in life I hope to be on, and I'm not going to lie, I'm kind of excited.

I realized that for me, quality of life is about family, friends, and personal satisfaction. Coincidentally, they actually go hand in hand.  I am not a huge fan of being alone all the time, and I've come to accept it. I do well alone, and trust me I enjoy my solitude, but I like the company of good people.  I enjoy being around my family at home; it's a sense of safety, and comfort I get from being there.  I need to make some adjustments as to where I'm at, but I'm working on that now.  I miss my mother, who is back in New Hampshire, and my aunts and uncles who are up north as well.  I struggle sometimes with the notion that I'm getting older and older, and haven't had a chance to be a father, but if it's meant to be, it will.  I guess I haven't found the right person, and maybe that's a void I'm struggling to fill as well.  But that, is a different story. It is a huge part of my "quality of life" plan, though.

I find I'm not all about my "money" lately.  I spent almost 10 years of my life dedicating day and night to my own business, only to watch the things I mentioned above suffer.  Friends, family, and love all took a back seat to my personal financial success. Sure I loved what I did, and I wish I could do it again, but I need to find a way to balance the two- I need my "me" time to be with friends, family, and to be alone.  but I also need to find a job that I enjoy everyday- and I have had tastes, but never fully grasped it yet.  I'll find it, sooner or later.  I feel like I have a lot to offer this world, and I haven't found a vessel to get it all out.  Funny how I find myself pondering theories and thoughts while sitting in the grass in the back yard, staring up at the stars. It's there that I find the things that make me truly happy. The thoughts of the times I spent, and will spend with my dad, the way my mom smiles at me, and treats me like a kid, even though i'm almost 30! The call of the outdoors screams to me; man I love hiking, climbing, kyaking, cycling, anything outside really.  And I always see a familiar face; I don't know what it means, but it's there. A certain someone, no matter what happens, always comes back around to my thoughts, and it is what it is.  Add those all together, and I think i'd find myself on the path, if not arrived, to my perfect life.
-R

Footprints in the sand...

I find myself venting here more often than not, and rarely do I have anything profound or positive to say. I guess I don't feel the need to vent out my happy times, because I usually share those times with people, where as when you need to vent, really, all you have is yourself- face it, no one wants to hear your damn negativity. I have a love/hate relationship with writing- I feel the power of fierce rhetoric when put to paper(or in this case my digital blog), followed immediately by frustration- and somewhat embarrassed that I find myself hiding behind words. I find i'm more and more unwilling to express my thoughts in public forum (in person, not the semi-anonymous internet) due to the nature of people; they simply don't care enough to listen, or find themselves concerned with anyone else but their next "big event" in their life. That is life, however- the realization that there are few and far in between that actually care enough to listen; or make time.

 I've dropped this bomb before- the "evil" behind social media, yet I find myself stuck to it- hell, I have facebook, twitter, instagram, and even this meaningless blog that I use to post my thoughts, feelings, etc into the open for a few select people who "follow" me, or are my "friend" to read, critique, and wonder if it's about them. Well, the best thing about that- is it's all true. If you read through my blog, and wonder if the tone and description is eerily close to home for you, chances are, I wrote it about you. So what. It's my blog- don't read it if you don't like it. With that being said, I find myself losing hope in humanity- hope in real people. People come and go like seasons around here, and I know seasons- i'm from Connecticut. Not this cooler, warm, and warmest bullshit that people from the south are accustomed to. I'm talking about negative temperatures with frigged snow and ice, 90+ degree humid summers, and every other kind of weather in between. And that's just it- people here are just like the seasons. Few months it's warm; hanging out, having fun, sharing your deepest, darkest secrets, building trust- then a few months later they're cold- slippery as the ice, bitter as the wind, as untrustworthy as the forecast yet not cold enough to kill you. It's powerful stuff. I guess it's called fair weather friends; or as my mom would always tell me, "acquaintances." So I ask myself- I see them on facebook, twitter or whatever else and they put on a face as to who they are; but really, it's all a front. Yeah, I said it. You meet the cynical, fearless, untrustworthy versions of people on these media platforms- yet they text you and smile to your face that "life is great- you're secrets are safe with me." Really? I'm right here, I can read genius.

 Maybe i'm bitter; maybe i'm just stuck in a rut right now, but i'm exhausted from trying to be friends with certain people in my life (I've said this before, I think). I'm exhausted that at a text, call, or shout out i'm available for them, but when I call, text, or reach out, they never really are. And if they are, it's always what they want to do, and on their terms. That's not friendship; that's "i'll call this guy, because he's safe, and always there." You can't put a price on loyalty; but if you could, most couldn't afford me. It's the truth. Examples, you say? Not a problem. I have a friend that I care about very much. this said friend has had their ups and downs, their zigs and zags, if you will. I have endured many nights as a confidant to this friend- even compromised myself at times for their peace of mind and in true form, they have returned the favor, and it's appreciated, more than they know. But for some reason; and by no fault of mine (I feel), they still find themselves weary, and unable to trust me. Frustrated with the way they are constantly treated, (or not treated, really) yet, they are blind to the great things and opportunities right in front of them. It's frustrating. How can you become so close with someone, then keep them beyond arms length? In this friendship, which has so much potential, it's winter time. And I, am not the one bringing the winter. It's tough; there are so many things I'd like to say in this scenario, but I don't know what is appropriate, or how to approach it. This is one of those times I referred to above regarding my embarrassment and inability to voice my thoughts to this person, face to face. Not to mention, I haven't had the opportunity in a while. I guess I'll just wait. "That's what I'm doing, these days..."

But not all is lost here- for I have made some bonds that will last forever in the music city. The nights spent at the Tin Roof downtown with the boys i'll always remember. It has become our stomping grounds, a place to indulge in alcoholic beverages, the admiration of women (from a far of course- it's like 8th grade dance all over for us fellas) and the bonding to last a lifetime. What friends I have left, or find myself surrounded by, find ourselves disregarding the pettiness that previously tore some of us apart. For some, the wounds mended; some didn't. What has become of us is more mature interactions among men; where gossip and minuscule lapses in judgment are disregarded- not frowned upon, but heeded a warning, and diffused; then diverted. Not criticized, but encouraged to not engage, yet move on to better things. where good conversation, adult banter, and an overall happy vibe has been created, set as a standard for many, many more nights to come, i'm sure. I'm regretful for some of the events taken place, frustrated with the outcomes, aggravated with words said, and let down at words unspoken. Some i'm glad I met, some I wish were still around, and some I wish I said what I wanted to when I should have. But I hold only a few regrets; but there is time to rectify them. Some things that need to be said may ruin a certain said friendship forever; but when I figure out how to approach that pass, I'll try and cross. Until then, there is nothing I can do, but live for the moment- enjoy the people who want to be around me, and hope some of the people who distanced themselves lately will come back into my life with bigger, and better roles. My final thoughts today come from an unfamiliar place; yet i'm finding my place slowly. I talk to god in my own way lately- and maybe, just maybe it eases my mind for the time being. After much advice from a said friend over the last year or so, I find myself trying something different, on my own; at my own pace. That person never pressured me; just told me how they do it. And as I watched that person from a far, I saw the impact it had had on their life, and decided, "i'll try anything at this point." Everyone needs guidance and advice, and when you're alone, you're really not. Think about that. That's my spiritual ending to this lengthy blog- but I'm learning to trust in someone else- little by little, step by step. -R

Moving On

The last 8 months have proven to be hilly; ups, downs, and a few flat parts. Ive made mistakes; made some good decisions. I took a new job working in a less-than challenging environment, and have found myself learning a whole new skillset. I've found myself chasing a girl for 6 months that I should have let fix her own tire in the rain, the day we met. Harsh; yeah. True: yes. I also let go of a good friend who moved away; she meant so much to me, more than she'll ever know, but I had to come to terms with my feelings there too. Sometimes people cause you nothing but heartache in your life, and no matter how hard you try to treat them good, they just don't care, or aren't able to reciprocate. Everyday, for me, it becomes easier and easier to not care. I find myself slipping back into that mind set and time frame; but I snap back to reality. I've learned people come and go in your life; some stay for a while and have a lengthy impact, and some are, or should be gone faster than they came in. Life; it is what it is. You can't dwell on the decisions of of others, or judge the choices they make. Plus- it's not in my nature to judge; or at least I try not to. The one thing I did find, is during these times of tumultuous events, you find your true friends. I realize I've had issues with friends, but man, there are a few here in Nashville that really showed me the true meaning of friendship. I find some only put forth effort when they need something or someone; when things aren't going well for them. But when the stars align, or their rocky relationship is back on, or they need nothing- they ignore the people who care. But what people don't know, is those who put up with it, won't forever. My life is moving on; on from the negativity, on from the toxic people in my life, and on to people who respect and care about me. Really, just on with myself. Trying to find a way to get the things i want; the things I need. Right now, I really want a new truck, a street bike, and I need to get a house to rent. I think I've found a roommate, and I'm just looking for the right place. I realize know I'm stronger than people think; better than people think, and more sincere than most deserve. But I'm going to keep doing me; just with a few less numbers in my phone, and a few less headaches.