I find myself venting here more often than not, and rarely do I have anything profound or positive to say. I guess I don't feel the need to vent out my happy times, because I usually share those times with people, where as when you need to vent, really, all you have is yourself- face it, no one wants to hear your damn negativity. I have a love/hate relationship with writing- I feel the power of fierce rhetoric when put to paper(or in this case my digital blog), followed immediately by frustration- and somewhat embarrassed that I find myself hiding behind words. I find i'm more and more unwilling to express my thoughts in public forum (in person, not the semi-anonymous internet) due to the nature of people; they simply don't care enough to listen, or find themselves concerned with anyone else but their next "big event" in their life. That is life, however- the realization that there are few and far in between that actually care enough to listen; or make time.
I've dropped this bomb before- the "evil" behind social media, yet I find myself stuck to it- hell, I have facebook, twitter, instagram, and even this meaningless blog that I use to post my thoughts, feelings, etc into the open for a few select people who "follow" me, or are my "friend" to read, critique, and wonder if it's about them. Well, the best thing about that- is it's all true. If you read through my blog, and wonder if the tone and description is eerily close to home for you, chances are, I wrote it about you. So what. It's my blog- don't read it if you don't like it. With that being said, I find myself losing hope in humanity- hope in real people. People come and go like seasons around here, and I know seasons- i'm from Connecticut. Not this cooler, warm, and warmest bullshit that people from the south are accustomed to. I'm talking about negative temperatures with frigged snow and ice, 90+ degree humid summers, and every other kind of weather in between. And that's just it- people here are just like the seasons. Few months it's warm; hanging out, having fun, sharing your deepest, darkest secrets, building trust- then a few months later they're cold- slippery as the ice, bitter as the wind, as untrustworthy as the forecast yet not cold enough to kill you. It's powerful stuff. I guess it's called fair weather friends; or as my mom would always tell me, "acquaintances." So I ask myself- I see them on facebook, twitter or whatever else and they put on a face as to who they are; but really, it's all a front. Yeah, I said it. You meet the cynical, fearless, untrustworthy versions of people on these media platforms- yet they text you and smile to your face that "life is great- you're secrets are safe with me." Really? I'm right here, I can read genius.
Maybe i'm bitter; maybe i'm just stuck in a rut right now, but i'm exhausted from trying to be friends with certain people in my life (I've said this before, I think). I'm exhausted that at a text, call, or shout out i'm available for them, but when I call, text, or reach out, they never really are. And if they are, it's always what they want to do, and on their terms. That's not friendship; that's "i'll call this guy, because he's safe, and always there." You can't put a price on loyalty; but if you could, most couldn't afford me. It's the truth. Examples, you say? Not a problem. I have a friend that I care about very much. this said friend has had their ups and downs, their zigs and zags, if you will. I have endured many nights as a confidant to this friend- even compromised myself at times for their peace of mind and in true form, they have returned the favor, and it's appreciated, more than they know. But for some reason; and by no fault of mine (I feel), they still find themselves weary, and unable to trust me. Frustrated with the way they are constantly treated, (or not treated, really) yet, they are blind to the great things and opportunities right in front of them. It's frustrating. How can you become so close with someone, then keep them beyond arms length? In this friendship, which has so much potential, it's winter time. And I, am not the one bringing the winter. It's tough; there are so many things I'd like to say in this scenario, but I don't know what is appropriate, or how to approach it. This is one of those times I referred to above regarding my embarrassment and inability to voice my thoughts to this person, face to face. Not to mention, I haven't had the opportunity in a while. I guess I'll just wait. "That's what I'm doing, these days..."
But not all is lost here- for I have made some bonds that will last forever in the music city. The nights spent at the Tin Roof downtown with the boys i'll always remember. It has become our stomping grounds, a place to indulge in alcoholic beverages, the admiration of women (from a far of course- it's like 8th grade dance all over for us fellas) and the bonding to last a lifetime. What friends I have left, or find myself surrounded by, find ourselves disregarding the pettiness that previously tore some of us apart. For some, the wounds mended; some didn't. What has become of us is more mature interactions among men; where gossip and minuscule lapses in judgment are disregarded- not frowned upon, but heeded a warning, and diffused; then diverted. Not criticized, but encouraged to not engage, yet move on to better things. where good conversation, adult banter, and an overall happy vibe has been created, set as a standard for many, many more nights to come, i'm sure. I'm regretful for some of the events taken place, frustrated with the outcomes, aggravated with words said, and let down at words unspoken. Some i'm glad I met, some I wish were still around, and some I wish I said what I wanted to when I should have. But I hold only a few regrets; but there is time to rectify them. Some things that need to be said may ruin a certain said friendship forever; but when I figure out how to approach that pass, I'll try and cross. Until then, there is nothing I can do, but live for the moment- enjoy the people who want to be around me, and hope some of the people who distanced themselves lately will come back into my life with bigger, and better roles. My final thoughts today come from an unfamiliar place; yet i'm finding my place slowly. I talk to god in my own way lately- and maybe, just maybe it eases my mind for the time being. After much advice from a said friend over the last year or so, I find myself trying something different, on my own; at my own pace. That person never pressured me; just told me how they do it. And as I watched that person from a far, I saw the impact it had had on their life, and decided, "i'll try anything at this point." Everyone needs guidance and advice, and when you're alone, you're really not. Think about that. That's my spiritual ending to this lengthy blog- but I'm learning to trust in someone else- little by little, step by step.
-R
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