Standing Up To Father Time....

This weekend I spent Friday night ringing in a friend's 30th birthday- and I had a good time. But I found myself taking much more away from the festivities than just celebrating with her and friends.  I think I found myself wondering about my life.  The weeks leading up to her party, my friend was harping on the idea of being "30." I was the one who was telling her (along with others) that it's no big deal- 30 is the new 20, blah, blah.  Periodically through the night I found myself wondering what I was doing with my life; not in a "poor me" sort of way, but more on the lines of "where do I want to be." But I do wonder this- considering where I have been in my life already.  Sometimes, I wonder if I've peaked; been married, successful career, etc.  But I know that can't be.  Somehow, I find myself happier now than ever before, sans a few things.  Tonight I watched Braveheart- a classic and fantastic movie about the way I feel life should be lived- intense, fierce, and fearless. 

I see people around me floating through life, or running away to other places when times are tough.  Sure; I'm all about the "change," considering I made the move to Tennessee from my New England roots.  But I don't want to retreat; I want to stand my ground and face adversity head on.  Sometimes, in order to get what you want, and feel you deserve, you need to take some bumps ad bruises.  Life throws you all sorts of obstacles, and some seem to get the best of you.  But fear not- for I know i'm a small cog in the universe, but I've experienced the bounce back, if you will.  I know I can't compare my situation to yours or others; but I've seen rock bottom- and if it gets worse, I care not to see that.  The difference with me is I see the trials and tribulations of others; and I sympathize and empathize with them.  I have friends and family in all states of life- Highs, lows, and some just maintaining.  I judge not, but I learn.

I see that many of them might have a rough 6 months to a year, then something gives.  Call it luck, call it coincidence, or heck, i'm open to call it prayer.  They catch a break; something just enough to make them realize there IS light at the end of the tunnel.  And there is.  I try and move forward towards my goal in life every day, one small step at a time.  But put together enough steps, and you'll find your stride- and that's where you learn to make leaps and bounds.  But be aware of the fact that, without fail, you will meet adversity.  You just need to find out if you're willing to stare it in the face and do battle.   As time goes on, we all find some William Wallace in us- and rise against the negativity and strife we face in order to change the world, or at least, our own worlds.  So, as the mighty Scotsman did,  love with passion, live with intensity, and fight for what is yours; family, friends, and the freedom to pursue happiness, whatever that may be.

To my dear friend Kristy- happy birthday, and I thank you for showing me I have so much to learn, and look forward to in my own life. I appreciate your friendship, and hope we celebrate many more birthdays as friends.

-R

Fishing for something...

Well, it's been about 4 months since my last entry, which only means good things, really. It's been a whirlwind few months- between work, relationships, life...blah, blah.  Work is great- I've stepped into a more prominent role, and it's much more fulfilling.  I can't explain it; but between the people I work with, and the projects I work on my days go by faster, yet much more full of fun as well.  It's a good setup, and I love every minute of it.

As the time passes, i've come to find out more about what life has to offer, and what i'm getting out of it.  I know i've written previously about what makes someone happy, and what I want, and I've been working hard at getting there.  Some things have varied; but all in all i'm on my way there.  I probably will never be a millionaire, but if I keep it up, i'll be richer in my surroundings.  I still think money can't buy happiness- but it sure can be used as a tool to help get you there.

I've met a few more people as a result of a new "theory" i'm working on.  I'm trying to be more outgoing and courageous in approaching new people. I put myself in a better position which makes me more open to chatting; resulting in me being much more settled in the art of conversation. I used to stumble; I wreaked of nervousness, which creates an unsettling environment for conversation. THIS is exactly where most people find their "approach anxiety."  That awkward moment where you run out of things to say because you lack the social practice.  I'm finding it more fulfilling, and easier to build on friendships and potential relationships.  I was told this weekend that my overly chatty demeanor isn't my nervousness; i'ts just my nature, I guess.  She was right.

You know, one thing with casting your line out in the water is the realization that you may not catch a fish; or you just may break your line.  But you'll never catch a fish if you don't cast it out there.  I know it's a stupid reference, but hey, i'm an outdoors man.  Getting the "let's be friends" line is tough; but it's also a saving grace.  You need to look at it as that person is setting you free to find the right one- besides, maybe they'd make you miserable.  I remain optimistic, and I find if you can put a positive spin on it all, you'll end up with a good friend.  It may take a while, but I try to remain friends or at least cordial with everyone I run into. It's my nature.

I leave you with this thought:
"The relationship between commitment and doubt is by no means an antagonistic one. Commitment is healthiest when it is without doubt, but in spite of doubt."- Rollo May

-R

This has been an interesting week, and it's only Wednesday.  Funny thing is, I usually sometimes only blog once a month, but this week, I'm pushing the envelope! I guess it's been so long since I actually wrote, that my mind is full of words.  That's OK though; it's a good thing.  I want to touch on quality of life, and what that means. It's a simple phrase, but it means so much to everyone- and to every individual, how they measure their quality of life is different. Each person has their own standards, and their own path to get there. Some things seem perpetually out of their grasp, some seem easily attainable.

What creates your ideal life I think, is what you want out of it. Material possessions, friends, family, money, location, etc. it's all part of your ideal life. My ideal life had changed drastically this past year; more than i'd care to admit some times. Maybe it's a shift in priorities, maybe it's a new found thought process.  All I know is, I don't want to be where I hoped I'd be 3 years ago.  That Richie is gone.  Matter of fact, the Richard of 2011 is gone.  The 2012 Richie is here to stay, hopefully!  I guess I'm struggling with my situation right now- I feel like I've been on the runway awaiting take off, but now my flight had been delayed, due to bad weather.  But I've weathered worse storms than this, for sure; and I'm actually looking forward to this one.  I think the exit from this small challenge is going to really define my future, and set me up for the EXACT path in life I hope to be on, and I'm not going to lie, I'm kind of excited.

I realized that for me, quality of life is about family, friends, and personal satisfaction. Coincidentally, they actually go hand in hand.  I am not a huge fan of being alone all the time, and I've come to accept it. I do well alone, and trust me I enjoy my solitude, but I like the company of good people.  I enjoy being around my family at home; it's a sense of safety, and comfort I get from being there.  I need to make some adjustments as to where I'm at, but I'm working on that now.  I miss my mother, who is back in New Hampshire, and my aunts and uncles who are up north as well.  I struggle sometimes with the notion that I'm getting older and older, and haven't had a chance to be a father, but if it's meant to be, it will.  I guess I haven't found the right person, and maybe that's a void I'm struggling to fill as well.  But that, is a different story. It is a huge part of my "quality of life" plan, though.

I find I'm not all about my "money" lately.  I spent almost 10 years of my life dedicating day and night to my own business, only to watch the things I mentioned above suffer.  Friends, family, and love all took a back seat to my personal financial success. Sure I loved what I did, and I wish I could do it again, but I need to find a way to balance the two- I need my "me" time to be with friends, family, and to be alone.  but I also need to find a job that I enjoy everyday- and I have had tastes, but never fully grasped it yet.  I'll find it, sooner or later.  I feel like I have a lot to offer this world, and I haven't found a vessel to get it all out.  Funny how I find myself pondering theories and thoughts while sitting in the grass in the back yard, staring up at the stars. It's there that I find the things that make me truly happy. The thoughts of the times I spent, and will spend with my dad, the way my mom smiles at me, and treats me like a kid, even though i'm almost 30! The call of the outdoors screams to me; man I love hiking, climbing, kyaking, cycling, anything outside really.  And I always see a familiar face; I don't know what it means, but it's there. A certain someone, no matter what happens, always comes back around to my thoughts, and it is what it is.  Add those all together, and I think i'd find myself on the path, if not arrived, to my perfect life.
-R

Footprints in the sand...

I find myself venting here more often than not, and rarely do I have anything profound or positive to say. I guess I don't feel the need to vent out my happy times, because I usually share those times with people, where as when you need to vent, really, all you have is yourself- face it, no one wants to hear your damn negativity. I have a love/hate relationship with writing- I feel the power of fierce rhetoric when put to paper(or in this case my digital blog), followed immediately by frustration- and somewhat embarrassed that I find myself hiding behind words. I find i'm more and more unwilling to express my thoughts in public forum (in person, not the semi-anonymous internet) due to the nature of people; they simply don't care enough to listen, or find themselves concerned with anyone else but their next "big event" in their life. That is life, however- the realization that there are few and far in between that actually care enough to listen; or make time.

 I've dropped this bomb before- the "evil" behind social media, yet I find myself stuck to it- hell, I have facebook, twitter, instagram, and even this meaningless blog that I use to post my thoughts, feelings, etc into the open for a few select people who "follow" me, or are my "friend" to read, critique, and wonder if it's about them. Well, the best thing about that- is it's all true. If you read through my blog, and wonder if the tone and description is eerily close to home for you, chances are, I wrote it about you. So what. It's my blog- don't read it if you don't like it. With that being said, I find myself losing hope in humanity- hope in real people. People come and go like seasons around here, and I know seasons- i'm from Connecticut. Not this cooler, warm, and warmest bullshit that people from the south are accustomed to. I'm talking about negative temperatures with frigged snow and ice, 90+ degree humid summers, and every other kind of weather in between. And that's just it- people here are just like the seasons. Few months it's warm; hanging out, having fun, sharing your deepest, darkest secrets, building trust- then a few months later they're cold- slippery as the ice, bitter as the wind, as untrustworthy as the forecast yet not cold enough to kill you. It's powerful stuff. I guess it's called fair weather friends; or as my mom would always tell me, "acquaintances." So I ask myself- I see them on facebook, twitter or whatever else and they put on a face as to who they are; but really, it's all a front. Yeah, I said it. You meet the cynical, fearless, untrustworthy versions of people on these media platforms- yet they text you and smile to your face that "life is great- you're secrets are safe with me." Really? I'm right here, I can read genius.

 Maybe i'm bitter; maybe i'm just stuck in a rut right now, but i'm exhausted from trying to be friends with certain people in my life (I've said this before, I think). I'm exhausted that at a text, call, or shout out i'm available for them, but when I call, text, or reach out, they never really are. And if they are, it's always what they want to do, and on their terms. That's not friendship; that's "i'll call this guy, because he's safe, and always there." You can't put a price on loyalty; but if you could, most couldn't afford me. It's the truth. Examples, you say? Not a problem. I have a friend that I care about very much. this said friend has had their ups and downs, their zigs and zags, if you will. I have endured many nights as a confidant to this friend- even compromised myself at times for their peace of mind and in true form, they have returned the favor, and it's appreciated, more than they know. But for some reason; and by no fault of mine (I feel), they still find themselves weary, and unable to trust me. Frustrated with the way they are constantly treated, (or not treated, really) yet, they are blind to the great things and opportunities right in front of them. It's frustrating. How can you become so close with someone, then keep them beyond arms length? In this friendship, which has so much potential, it's winter time. And I, am not the one bringing the winter. It's tough; there are so many things I'd like to say in this scenario, but I don't know what is appropriate, or how to approach it. This is one of those times I referred to above regarding my embarrassment and inability to voice my thoughts to this person, face to face. Not to mention, I haven't had the opportunity in a while. I guess I'll just wait. "That's what I'm doing, these days..."

But not all is lost here- for I have made some bonds that will last forever in the music city. The nights spent at the Tin Roof downtown with the boys i'll always remember. It has become our stomping grounds, a place to indulge in alcoholic beverages, the admiration of women (from a far of course- it's like 8th grade dance all over for us fellas) and the bonding to last a lifetime. What friends I have left, or find myself surrounded by, find ourselves disregarding the pettiness that previously tore some of us apart. For some, the wounds mended; some didn't. What has become of us is more mature interactions among men; where gossip and minuscule lapses in judgment are disregarded- not frowned upon, but heeded a warning, and diffused; then diverted. Not criticized, but encouraged to not engage, yet move on to better things. where good conversation, adult banter, and an overall happy vibe has been created, set as a standard for many, many more nights to come, i'm sure. I'm regretful for some of the events taken place, frustrated with the outcomes, aggravated with words said, and let down at words unspoken. Some i'm glad I met, some I wish were still around, and some I wish I said what I wanted to when I should have. But I hold only a few regrets; but there is time to rectify them. Some things that need to be said may ruin a certain said friendship forever; but when I figure out how to approach that pass, I'll try and cross. Until then, there is nothing I can do, but live for the moment- enjoy the people who want to be around me, and hope some of the people who distanced themselves lately will come back into my life with bigger, and better roles. My final thoughts today come from an unfamiliar place; yet i'm finding my place slowly. I talk to god in my own way lately- and maybe, just maybe it eases my mind for the time being. After much advice from a said friend over the last year or so, I find myself trying something different, on my own; at my own pace. That person never pressured me; just told me how they do it. And as I watched that person from a far, I saw the impact it had had on their life, and decided, "i'll try anything at this point." Everyone needs guidance and advice, and when you're alone, you're really not. Think about that. That's my spiritual ending to this lengthy blog- but I'm learning to trust in someone else- little by little, step by step. -R

Moving On

The last 8 months have proven to be hilly; ups, downs, and a few flat parts. Ive made mistakes; made some good decisions. I took a new job working in a less-than challenging environment, and have found myself learning a whole new skillset. I've found myself chasing a girl for 6 months that I should have let fix her own tire in the rain, the day we met. Harsh; yeah. True: yes. I also let go of a good friend who moved away; she meant so much to me, more than she'll ever know, but I had to come to terms with my feelings there too. Sometimes people cause you nothing but heartache in your life, and no matter how hard you try to treat them good, they just don't care, or aren't able to reciprocate. Everyday, for me, it becomes easier and easier to not care. I find myself slipping back into that mind set and time frame; but I snap back to reality. I've learned people come and go in your life; some stay for a while and have a lengthy impact, and some are, or should be gone faster than they came in. Life; it is what it is. You can't dwell on the decisions of of others, or judge the choices they make. Plus- it's not in my nature to judge; or at least I try not to. The one thing I did find, is during these times of tumultuous events, you find your true friends. I realize I've had issues with friends, but man, there are a few here in Nashville that really showed me the true meaning of friendship. I find some only put forth effort when they need something or someone; when things aren't going well for them. But when the stars align, or their rocky relationship is back on, or they need nothing- they ignore the people who care. But what people don't know, is those who put up with it, won't forever. My life is moving on; on from the negativity, on from the toxic people in my life, and on to people who respect and care about me. Really, just on with myself. Trying to find a way to get the things i want; the things I need. Right now, I really want a new truck, a street bike, and I need to get a house to rent. I think I've found a roommate, and I'm just looking for the right place. I realize know I'm stronger than people think; better than people think, and more sincere than most deserve. But I'm going to keep doing me; just with a few less numbers in my phone, and a few less headaches.

I guess this is growing up...

The last 2 years or so i've found myself in so many unfamiliar situations. From work, living arrangements, friendships, relationships, etc. All involving different people, different circumstances, and different ways of dealing with each scenario. But one thing that I do see across the board, that would not only help me, but also some of the people in my life is truly maturing as individuals. I know I have so much to learn, so much room to grow, and grow up. The thing is, everyone needs help. Financially, emotionally, mentally(some more than others, including myself)maybe some need help with all 3. I guess we all kind of need help somewhere. People as a culture, thrive and feed off response. I don't know too many people who can shut themselves out from the world permanently and be ok. Sure, we all can go off the grid for a while; shut the door, be left alone- but not for ever. Look what happened to Tom Hanks in Castaway. That's real concepts there.

Newton said it best; "every action has an equal and opposite reaction." This is so true. Everything we do is reactive- somethings are pro-active to prevent a reactive measure, but we still do it because we have to. I get up for work because at the end of the day, I need money to pay my bills. No money, no bill payments, no cell phone, no housing- you get the idea. It's all reactions inside what is considered "your" universe. So many things affect your universe now a days too. My biggest gripe recently is my love/hate relationship with social media; mainly facebook. The idea of subliminal shots fired for the world to see at people is childish in itself; and i'm as guilty as the next guy. Matter of fact; i'm good at it, and I often do it without thinking, then deal with the repercussions later. It causes a MASSIVE reaction from the person you wrote it about; knowing when you did it you'd be expecting that negativity. Actually, you bank on it. Because you know that every action has a reaction. See what I did there? I'm a HUGE say something then backpedal guy, but i've been proactively trying to change that; counting to 100 before I decide to spit off anything.

I have found that Facebook can be more detrimental to relationships and friendships than have positive affects on them. We've all done it- creep someone's page, going months, maybe longer back in their posts, finding out things that have no relevance to you, yet you let it enrage you. What has society become? And the worst part, is we feel a sense of fulfillment when posts are "liked" or commented on. It's global social reassurance, and it's ruining the socioeconomic balance of things. Confidence and personalities are built and tore down on social media; and there is no way to stop it. I debate with myself weekly on removing my account; but just the announcement of it on facebook is attention-seeking- go figure.

I can't tell you how many times an argument has sprung between the girl i'm currently dating and myself based on postings on Facebook. Worst part- (and i'll be honest) most of the time, she's in the right. But it's funny; now, there are so many channels of communication, a reaction post on Facebook may have been originated from a verbal interaction; or a text. How unbelievable is that? How literally childish is that, on both parties? I posted something childish based on something she posted; or vice versa. Do you see where this is going? The internet leaves nothing yet everything to interpretation; and the idea of posting feelings and thoughts into a publicly viewed cloud for each person to take it in their own way is nuts. It's toxic when interacted within the parameters of these scenarios. Interpretations can be dangerous, and they have led to arguments in my relationship as well- reactions being incorrect from both sides, yet again. Dating can be difficult enough without these ridiculous complications. I mean that.

Here is where I come back to the "growing up and maturing" topic of my blog; just as I recognize my faults when dealing with social media,others should too. Subliminal shot fired? Yes. If i've done you wrong, call me out on it. I need to know i've crossed the boundaries of our friendship or relationship; without criticism, we can't grow. But be prepared to hear that it's a reaction to something you've done; not an unwarranted act of random feelings. I can criticize too, but I prefer to bring things to attention; not explode. Not that I don't explode- I have, but I try not to. I will admit my wrongs, and I feel at this stage in life I deserve to surround myself with people who can admit their wrongs, and adjust, as I try so hard to do. Maturing is learning new things and applying them to your life; then dealing with them in an adult way. If you don't like something about someone, let them know. But delivery is key! Don't freak out first- it's like shooting first and asking questions later. Asking questions is a great way to open dialogue on solving issues; attacking them causes animosity between the two of you. I don't know what goes on in your head, or how you interpreted the issue at hand- and I hope to get the same respect in return. That's how adults work things out, and I'm finding there is less and less room in my life for complications and people who aren't working to be in your life. Maybe, that's the allure to social media; we all think we have more friends than we really do, and we don't have to put up or deal with the stuff we don't like about them; we can mute them or scroll over their posts. But what does that say about your friendship? Friendships and relationships are work; and if you can't deal with them at their worst, you don't deserve them at their best. That's HARD TRUTH. Respect those who are working on themselves; trying to better themselves. Support that person, and they'll care about you forever. Can you really get that from your 500+ friends on Facebook? Probably not.

I know i'm right in it with everyone else. Matter of fact, i'll post a link for this blog to my Facebook page for all my friends to read if they choose. I have found the source of my need to post on social networking sites to be strictly attention-seeking. I have tried to rationalize that by saying I put stuff up there to keep "family and friends" informed...That's total BS. I look at my posts, and all are emotionally charged. You can tell when i'm crabby, i'm happy, i'm depressed, or angry. All by words typed into a computer, and sent off to the network of "friends" you have. The ultimate goal of a post? Get some reactions. People don't want to feel alone; they thrive on other people's opinions, and the more likes and comments you get, the more popular you feel. It's becoming too much for me, because I hope to gain the reactions of a few specific people. When I don't get it, I get frustrated. Really Richard? Grow up, just like the title says. It's ruining certain aspects of my life; and turning me into someone i'm not. I prefer personal interactions; i'm a bit more private by nature,but somehow i've found myself posting in public forum. It makes for very bad decisions, and has caused SERIOUS waves that didn't need to be created. Not all things about Facebook are bad, don't get me wrong. When you get a chance to see things friends and family ARE doing, it's nice to keep in touch. But for me, I prefer to talk face to face first, on the phone second, and texting third. Facebook messaging is a bit more intimate too, and I don't mind it- hypocrite, I know. I'm stuck in a paradox; I hate facebook and what it damage it has the power to cause; but I check it on my phone all day, because yes, I have the app for that. Maybe we all seek public approval- I know I just want to be "liked" just like a facebook status. But I need to start assessing the quality of people who like me- and for me, that's a huge step for me towards growing up, and eliminating my childish actions, and those by others in my life. Chew on that.

-R

Winter Wonderlands...

Given today's weather in Nashville, I find myself reflecting on "colder" times. Not so much temperature, but more weather conditions. My mom informed me today they are expecting a big snow storm, and in a way, i'm jealous. Sure, my phone says it's 73 degrees out- but it's been over a year since i've seen a winter with a heavy blanket of snow. It's something you learn to appreciate growing up in snowy weather climates. It's funny, people I meet who live here that came from northern climates swear they don't miss the snow. I beg to differ in my case.

For those of you who haven't experienced snow over the duration of time as I have, may not understand. But snow is beautiful. Snow can blanket everything, turning where you live into that fairytale winter wonderland. I've had the luxury of experiencing those storybook movie winters, where the whole world is covered in snow; the roads are empty, and there is a serene calm brought on by snow. I can remember sitting out on my porch a few years ago, late into the night ( or early into the morning, however you look at it) and you can actually hear the snow fall. I mean it. Snow eliminates echoes, it's dense properties act like natural insulation. Snow in heavy amounts is actually warmer than cold atmosphere with no snow. I remember hearing everything; sitting in silence, all by myself, bundled up and drinking hot chocolate. Seems like I lived the stereotypical New England lifestyle, but to me it's all I know.

I miss those days; not thinking twice to drive to the store in a foot or more of snow. And yes, of course the stores were open. I've been to school with 6-10 inches of snow on the ground. Come on now. It was natural, something you came to love to hate. The human condition is programmed to complain about the heat in the summer once we've had enough, and wish for winter. We complain for sun and warmer weather once we've experienced enough cold weather. Me, I love the seasonal changes. I feel like the air is different down here its not worse, just different. To me, nothing feels better than crisp, cold, winter air in a snow storm. Waking up to real snowfall is something you can't describe. Real meaning 6" or more. Total coverage. I moved south at 27 years old, but my last winter in New Hampshire I can still remember waking up, and being excited like it was Christmas morning. Something inside me takes over, and I want to go shovel the driveway, make snow angels, and have a snowball fight. It gets old, sure, but snow is a great catalyst to try something new.

Get stuck in with that special someone; fire place, snow fall, movies and good company. Drives to the store even seem romantic and more dramatic. Snowfall can make the most plain, simplest of hometowns look like movie sets. I miss taking advantage of those times. Wake up and make a big breakfast with the fam, opening all the curtains and let the bright white snow lighten up the house. Food feels better, coffee or hot cocoa tastes better, and everything feels warmer inside. Maybe it's a mindset I have been able to find and hold on to; but I miss it. Even though I have come to enjoy living here in Tennessee, I miss Connecticut and New England often. It was home for 27 years; it's not easy to let go. So, in remembrance of my past, i'll sit on the porch for a while, and remember those times. For if I can only live in them in my mind, it's better than never having experienced them at all.

Decisions

When faced with issues that change our lives, we need to evaluate the impact they have on us. Sometimes I find the negative things in my life masked as positive things; and those are the hardest to let go of. People and things come and go, and it's what they leave behind that stays with us forever. It may be a new big screen tv you just bought. Maybe you couldn't afford it, so you financed it. Good for you. But is that monthly payment and the interest you will have paid be worth having the TV? Maybe that's a way I look at things sometimes; everything has some sort of interest payment. Relationships, belongings- they all have some sort of interest cost associated with having them.

Some interest is fallout. A sour ending to a friendship or relationship is interest paid. See, interest is the cost you don't see when you buy something. And that purchase or acquisition may just cost you more than it's worth in the end. Many times, it's not written in the fine print. When you meet someone, you see them as shiny and new. You don't see the the full disclosure, and you often don't find out about it until you've found yourself too deep to back out. Just like purchasing from a store, that shiny new TV ended up costing almost double. But where do you draw the line on taking the risk? Can you calculate all risks? I find it difficult believe you can calculate all risks, without letting certain things pass you by.

This, is where I find myself stuck. I'm a risk taker; I go all in too fast. I feel it's better to have risked and lost, than never tried. I've bought things I couldn't afford, engaged in relationships that were toxic, and don't regret one bit of it today. Sure, hindsight is 20/20, but if you live regretting the past, you'll never enjoy what the future holds. Risking it, going all in is my specialty. I take a beating on the initial investment, but i've found myself coming out on top in the long run. I'm not a get-in-get-out kind of guy. I stick out the rough start, and set the pace for a smooth finish. At least that's what I hope for going in. It doesn't always work out that way.

I have never been a good judge as to when to cut my losses either. This is probably why i'm financially broke, and emotionally tapped. I have built a pattern and habit of riding things out too long, thinking I can fix them. I don't often make decisions with my brain; I follow my heart. The problem with that is your heart sees the good in every situation, giving you false hope and a false sense of positive reinforcement. The excitement of the new shiny item wears off, but someone like myself finds ways to keep the luster going; or exhausts every resource doing so. And I do exhaust myself. Physically, emotionally, and financially.

Lessons are never learned, mistakes are perpetually repeated, and changes are never made. The definition if insanity is doing something over and over again expecting a different result; but often times I choose to not break my diligence, and hope, that my innate optimism will prove correct in the end. Hopeless? Maybe. But somehow, I found hope in a hopeless place.

This is tough to put out there, but recently I have been experiencing anxiety. Heavy anxiety. I have never really experienced this feeling in this magnitude, and this frequent; worse thing is i'm not sure where it comes from. It's weird what triggers it, and i'm not really sure what does. I'm a research guy; I tried to find out what causes this. I googled anxiety, and read up on it. After reading it, I refuse to believe I have a chemical imbalance, and have to come to a realization it's probably mental. This proves to be more difficult for me to swallow, as I don't see myself as weak-minded. Hell, thinking about my inability to control it right now is creating that feeling of anxiety. Maybe, that's where I need to let go in itself; let go of the negative feelings.

Due to my current situation, I don't have insurance, and realistically I can't afford some therapy sessions. Writing seems to calm my nerves, and take me to another place, where my heart isn't beating incredibly fast, and it slows my breathing. I can feel the symptoms coming on, and I can also detect them fading. Besides; I really don't want someone asking me the text book questions and paying them for it when I can just bite the bullet and work it out myself. but what was interesting was while reading up about anxiety, I found some key signs that point directly at what i'm experiencing. Chest pain- it comes on fast, and is more annoying than painful. The chest pain is also coupled with some back pain between the shoulder blades; which is known to have a direct correlation with stress. Short breaths, and pounding heart. I get that. Loss of focus? Sign me up. And lack of drive to do much. There were many more that I didn't experience, but these definitely happen, and almost all at once.

My conclusion: Stress anxiety. It probably doesn't exist, but I feel like the perfect combo of stress and anxiety go hand in hand, and I feel like the feelings feed off each other. The anxiety feelings stress me out, and i'm anxious over solving my stressed issues. How to combat them, i'm still figuring out. As the feelings take hold, they grow exponentially; compounding on one another until I feel like I want to do nothing but go to sleep. Funny thing is, stress and anxiety have adverse effects on your sleep habits, so you can't sleep off the feelings. here is the weirdest part of all this: some days, I wake up, and go through my day fine. Not a single bout. Life is great, things are fine, nothing gets at me. Others, it's really rough. What changes, I have not the slightest clue. Seems like right now even the smallest hurdle or negative thought can send me there; and i'm not sure why. It's usually 50/50, good/bad days. Bad days aren't THAT bad, but it's impairing my quality of life.

The rest of February and into March is going to be an experimental period for me. I'm going to but my best foot forward to beating this thing, approaching it head on, and doing what I know I can do: Fight back mentally. What ever feelings or thoughts are causing this, it's manufactured by me, so therefore it's only as strong as I make it. Fight back, and I can push myself past this issue, and move on. I've gone 29 years really without this kind of issue; why now, I have no clue. I feel for the people who have experienced this in some form or another; and I sympathize with those who's lives are affected every day by anxiety or stress. I know it's all in how you manage it, and I need to spend some time setting a plan in motion to handle this. Besides; I have MUCH more cooler things to do than to sit and stress about silly stuff.

Success

It's Friday, and I feel like talking about success. I have been struggling for years with what is the true measurement of success, and have come to the conclusion that happiness is success. From there, you need to define what makes you happy, and for most when asked what would make them happy, it usually involves something that they don't have, or don't really need. What makes this happen? Many have the notion that they need more possessions and money to be successful, including myself. But every once in a while, I find myself popping out of the socioeconomic norms that the media defines as success, and thinking about quality of life; and what I really NEED to achieve the quality of life i'd be happy with.

For me, it's always been about getting some serious cars, MTV cribs-worthy dwelling, friends, cash to do what I want, and just and endless party, 24/7. It's a shot in the dark, since it's usually the celebrity lifestyle we desire, and many, for a number of reasons, just won't ever reach that. But even stars, celebrities, and the rich and famous end up in scandals, drama, and fight bouts of unhappiness. Take away anyone's ability to be happy, and no amount of cash can pull them out of it. Sure, it softens the blow, but without it, they still are the same people. I find that reality TV and making people iconic for being themselves, and being paid astronomical amounts of money for being a brand is genius from a business sense; but detrimental to the mental and emotional growth of society.

So many people I know aspire to be someone else due to these new media outlets, and false idols. Now, i'm not going biblical, slow your roll on this read, but putting iconic emphasis on someone who doesn't deserve it is detrimental to people's mental well being. I'm only saying this because of our newly developed inability to see where TV ends, and we begin. Why, realistically is there no show about the man/woman who is raising their children, while working 2 jobs to avoid foreclosure, and fighting to save whats left of their marriage? Because that topic sucks. But aren't they the true role models? Sure, we all can ridicule them about how they got there, but we've all been in some sort of predicament like that. So really, what do we need as people' better yet, what do I feel I need to feel successful?

I find my wants and needs to be on total opposite sides of the spectrum. It's weird, I see my life in two different paths. One side, aspires to go down the fast life, and want to be Vince from Entourage. The other, I want the peace of mind and solitude of living in the country, in a home with some land, wonderful wife, dog(s) maybe some horses, and some kids riding ATVs in the field. Monday through Sunday, I battle what's right for me. I'm an outdoor kinda guy; but not as much as I used to be, and it's kinda depressing to think about it. Sometimes I find myself worrying about what I drive rather than if it could get me to my destination. I can't go visit my brother in Knoxville on a 3 hour drive, because my car might not make it- but sure thing you'll find me looking at used BMW 5 series' in the auto trader with 100k miles for $20k because it's "ballin." Why not take that 20k and finance a more affordable, newer, lesser mileage car? It's tough to not worry about status. Sometimes I do; sometimes I don't.

I guess i'm coming to realize it's not about what you don't have, but what you do; and the quality of the things you do have. I'd much rather be able to drive to New Hampshire to visit my parents in a reliable, fuel efficient car than to worry about hitting downtown nashville in a BMW. Same goes for people and relationships. Finding people to surround yourselves with that value YOU as a person will ultimately bring your happiness levels up, hence increasing your quality of life. I think now, I see myself a middle class American, with a typical family, living an ordinary life. Having $25k in the bank because I bought a Chevy Equinox for $20k and didn't have to pay through the roof for a Range Rover seems responsible; and would allow me to fly my family on vacation, rather than live beyond my means. Material things are just that; instant gratification fillers that end up running our lives. I'd like to run my life, and all the things in it, not run my life to support my possessions. A home is what you make of it, and relationships are like plants, they need sunlight and water, and so do we as people.

Ultimately, nourishing one's inner happiness is about doing what makes you truly happy to the core; and if certain things weren't meant to be, then so be it. For me, I miss hiking, camping, and the outdoors. It calls my name all the time. I miss doing what i love for a living. I'm worried about not having a family of my own, and i'm scared I'll never own a home, and rent forever. but I find myself unable to unplug from society enough to commit to achieving these goals. It's a hamster wheel of life; I just have to find a way to put a foot down, and get off. I guess, we all need to find our way, and start hiking our own path to the summit. I promise, once we all reach there, we'll party like rockstars, in our own way.

Dreamer, or a Joker?

Things have been slightly "hilly" for me as of late (ups and downs, guys, come on!). I'm sure, the people that read this are the only friends I have, but it's cheaper than therapy to write this down to people, who for some, really don't give a shit about what I have to say. But, that's cool. I'll take what I can get. THAT right there seems to be the bane of my existence right now- "taking what I can get." I use that phrase whole-heartedly too much maybe. "I can't help you tomorrow, but I tried"- no prob bud, i'll take it. Meaning i'll take the thought and accept it that you really do care. Probably not bro. But have I made it a standard to be the guy that is ALWAYS there? The person who can always be counted on? I sure have. And recently, it's proven itself to be true.

When you set a standard of interaction with friends, your bound to that role. I've been the guy who is always ready to go out; ready to party down, throw down for drinks, food, etc. Nothing of mine is off limits. My house, car, money, time- freely given to those who I felt need more than me. I'm a serial philanthropist- just without the Bill and Melinda Gates fund money. I scrape the bowl, and hold back my personal success for the forward motion of others. It's just the way I roll, I guess. But recently, I met someone who I wanted to be selfish about, and it's stirring the pot a bit. Sure, i'm not out with the guys as much, and i'm not hitting the downtown bar scene nearly as hard; if at all. But I guess a woman can do that to a guy. Besides- we used to cruise for women, and driving 50 mins to chill at a bar is far fetched, when there are plenty closer. If you want to be my friend- try it Saturday through Thursday- not just friday night, in downtown nashville. Harsh words, but it's the truth.

But honestly, she's not my issue. Some people are busting on me, clowning me behind my back because i'm transferring my giving nature, time, and effort from others to her. but what's more of a let down, is a general frustration vibe (traitorous, really) from others about my choice. Why can't people be happy for your happiness, even if for right now? It's something we all wanted, talked about, looked for. I happened to find it recently. But it's funny, I find being a giving person is a curse for me. I'm the giving person that has secret expectations; they are subconscious really, not secret. It's not sneaky, or misleading, but deep down, when I do something for someone, I hope for something in return; mainly acknowledgement, or emotional reactions. But often times, it's never there. And I'll smile, and genuinely enjoy that persons happiness, with all I have. But sometimes, you just want to be on the other end. Hence, the "i'll take it" attitude. It's said with genuine meaning, but it's a mind set to be in. Good at times, bad at others. I guess it's situational.

Am I a joker? I just read an article about giving gifts to women. The article, to sum it up, states that gifts make women predators- and shows weakness in the male giving. They also said that it's the reason women withhold sex, and physical intimacy; because that's the goal of the gifts and spending for a man in the end. Women control the physical aspect of the relationship, they control the wallets of the men they date; and the men themselves. Is this true? Hell if I know. but I will tell you this- take it from me, if it was all about sex with me, i'd be on to the next one by now. Trust. Is it a goal? Ummm...yeah, we are human. She's extremely attractive; no, she's the most beautiful girl I have ever met. But just as beautiful on the outside, she is inside. I buy her gifts because it makes me happy. And if I wasn't spending it on her, i'd be blowing it on a new TV, Xbox, and some silly payment every month on a car I don't need, to impress girls who only would want me because I drove a ballin' whip. Those girls are hoes. Yep, I said it. Hoes. Doubts about my current situation? Who wouldn't. But I try and stay up that she's with me because i'm downright awesome, and when the time is right, we'll see where things go.

Am I a dreamer? If you build a woman a home, paint it white, with blue shutters like Noah from the Notebook will she REALLY fall in love with you? Doubtful that's the only reason. But come on, we all saw that movie. It wasn't the house; it was the thought. He kept his promise. He also treated her with respect, and did things for her out of the kindness of his heart. He showed love with no boundaries, and pushed the limits of how far he was willing to go to win the woman he loved. Life, is not like this all the time, but the concept is the same. Life, to me is like risk- the greater the risk, the greater the reward. Movie characters glamorize the reality, but is it really that far off? I'm not convinced it isn't. I buy my girl gifts after gifts, give her money if she needs it, (or if I want to) and help her where ever she needs it. Being a giving man is like being a safety net for her- and since i'm able to stand on my own two feet, I don't need one. Does she? Nope. But that makes her an even better catch. Ne-Yo said it best, " Something oh so sexy about, kinda woman that don't even need my help."

When people don't NEED your help, they are more susceptible to get it. Especially from me. I don't need her. I don't need help from her. I care for her. I want her. and I know right now some of my friends can't understand it, and it's cool. But know, for the first time, really, i'm being more selfish than I have been in the longest time. And I have a beautiful, sexy, intelligent blonde woman to thank. Peace on this edition of WTF is in my brain, haha. RichieRich out.